This is a work of fiction, with maybe a little humor thrown in. Any mention of people, places, or things other than my cats and me is purely coincidental and means nothing. It is based on personal experiences and has not been veterinarian approved. As far as I know, it hasn’t even been seen by a vet (Oh, wait. I’m a vet, just not an animal doctor.). Feel free to share, with credit given.

Our friends, household cats, are descendants of great beasts. Beasts like the guy above who is sticking out his tongue and telling you he is called the king for a reason.  Predators by nature. But they have many other traits, both in common and different. Their day-to-day life can really be divided into a few simple things. They eat (“I can see the bottom of my food bowl. I’m starving!”). They sleep (“What do you mean. I need at least sixteen hours of sleep a day!”). They visit the litter box (“It hasn’t been cleaned in the last two hours. Clean it!). They stare out the window (“The world is beautiful. I want to be out there!”). They zoom (“Just try to catch me. I’m faster than a speeding bullet!”). And they are mischievous (“It’s three AM. Let’s see what we can do now!”).

Most of these things come naturally and require no training so let’s concentrate on the last. Mischief is good. We’ve all heard the term, “Curiosity kills …”. We really don’t wan that to happen. So maybe we can do something to control it, or at least control when it happens. Let’s talk about a typical night and what we need to do. It is 2:00 AM. We hear a crashing noise. Who was it? Where was it? What was it? The spouse is still in bed with us, so it must be the cat (first question answered). To answer the others:

1. Uncover ourselves and sit up (can’t answer the other questions from the bed).
2. Turn on the lamp (flashlights just don’t work for this.).
3. Try to find the source of the noise (by the bed, in another room, etc.)
4. Is anything broken? (No=Good; Yes=Bad, especially if glass. Must be cleaned up now – before the spouse steps on something and gets mad at me)
5. Is the floor or furniture wet? (No=Good; Yes=Bad. Must dry things immediately. Paper towels, mop, towel – any or all. Just get things dried and fast.
6. Find what made the noise (put it back where it belongs or in a safe place).
7. Now, find and catch the culprit (the cat thinks hide-and-seek is the game for now).
8. Put the culprit in his kennel (both cats if they were both guilty).
9. Turn off the lamp (the light woke up the spouse).
10. (Optional) Have a glass of wine (or maybe something stronger) and put the glass away.
11. Get back into bed.
12. (Optional) Go back to sleep.
13. IMPORTANT If the cats are in the kennel remember to get them out the next morning.

After all of this is complete, you may have trained a cat (or maybe you are the one who has been trained) and it won’t happen again (at least until the next night).

So, from my spouse, our cats – both past and present, and me, “Have a great day and try to see how you can train a cat!”